that damn safety net

yesterday, i was told that i grew up without much of a safety net. and, for that reason - i respond to certain triggers and situations in a very awkward, emotionally self-absorbed way.

i am still processing this observation, but the idea of safety has been haunting me since that conversation. what is it and is it something that is taught, acquired or learned?

my therapist made this observation and rightfully so, because that is her job. she sensed that i have been mentally scattered and she is right, i am. but one circumstance of me forgetting to walk my dogs in the afternoon --making them hold their "do" for an extended period of time -- made her feel as though i was emotionally neglected growing up and that my interest in being aware of others that depend on me is under-developed.

hmmmm.

even typing that is a lot. but, i appreciated her thoughtfulness and regard to whether or not i tend to forget certain responsibilities when i become mentally distracted.

i don't know.

a one time occurrence has led me to questioning the levels of "safety" that has been in my life, and rather it exists today.

there are many places i feel safe. in my home, for instance. i feel safe in every room. i feel safe enough to walk around in the dark, to fall asleep with the patio door open for fresh air. i feel safe in my neighborhood and walking the dogs at night, alone. when i think of my physical safety -- i feel safe.

the kicker in all of this was when asked to recount certain memories of my emotional and mental safety, where she concluded that my emotions/feelings were not kept safe. they weren't validated as being okay for me to have or express and now, when triggered, i go into defense mode since i haven't felt safe to leave feelings on the table without fear of critique, dismissal or neglectful handling.

oh.

like i said, this is still something i'm thinking about, and the idea of being mentally and/or emotionally safe feels like something i'd like to discuss more and be more mindful of. perhaps we all should be more mindful of how we take care of our emotional health -- AND to reflect on where we learned how to take care of our emotional selves -- if at all.

a day in deep thought.

xo, me.