that damn safety net

yesterday, i was told that i grew up without much of a safety net. and, for that reason - i respond to certain triggers and situations in a very awkward, emotionally self-absorbed way.

i am still processing this observation, but the idea of safety has been haunting me since that conversation. what is it and is it something that is taught, acquired or learned?

my therapist made this observation and rightfully so, because that is her job. she sensed that i have been mentally scattered and she is right, i am. but one circumstance of me forgetting to walk my dogs in the afternoon --making them hold their "do" for an extended period of time -- made her feel as though i was emotionally neglected growing up and that my interest in being aware of others that depend on me is under-developed.

hmmmm.

even typing that is a lot. but, i appreciated her thoughtfulness and regard to whether or not i tend to forget certain responsibilities when i become mentally distracted.

i don't know.

a one time occurrence has led me to questioning the levels of "safety" that has been in my life, and rather it exists today.

there are many places i feel safe. in my home, for instance. i feel safe in every room. i feel safe enough to walk around in the dark, to fall asleep with the patio door open for fresh air. i feel safe in my neighborhood and walking the dogs at night, alone. when i think of my physical safety -- i feel safe.

the kicker in all of this was when asked to recount certain memories of my emotional and mental safety, where she concluded that my emotions/feelings were not kept safe. they weren't validated as being okay for me to have or express and now, when triggered, i go into defense mode since i haven't felt safe to leave feelings on the table without fear of critique, dismissal or neglectful handling.

oh.

like i said, this is still something i'm thinking about, and the idea of being mentally and/or emotionally safe feels like something i'd like to discuss more and be more mindful of. perhaps we all should be more mindful of how we take care of our emotional health -- AND to reflect on where we learned how to take care of our emotional selves -- if at all.

a day in deep thought.

xo, me.

between logic and action

by GG Renee of AllTheManyLayers 

and author of The Beautiful Disruption and Wallflower

Take a step back for a moment. There is no need to prove anything. The brave face you put forward everyday says enough. 

I hope that when you finish reading this, you feel lighter. You just might be gentler with yourself. Everyone has bad habits. Everyone has blind spots. You will never figure it all out, but you will learn things. There's peace in that.

Read On!>>>
This is a place where cracks and imperfections and testimonies are beloved. Here, to know better does not always mean to do better, and that's okay. I believe and I still doubt. Through it all, I pray, I write and I hold on to myself. I am challenged everyday and I still choose to believe. Here, we tell stories; we don't judge.

I always want to do better. But I also want to allow myself to journey in peace, without constant criticism and judgment. I want to be a soothing refuge for myself. I try to avoid tripping over the same bump in the road more than once, but it happens. I trip. I fall hard often and get bruised. I'm not ashamed of my bruises anymore. I have lived. I am living. There's no need to hide that. I have scars, each one kissed with acceptance. If I didn't have these scars I wouldn't know how beautiful they could make me feel.

I wonder if you are ever afraid to get away. To just get up and walk out. Remove yourself from the madness. Walk out of the insecurity and the urge to compare yourself. Run and don't look back. Stop measuring yourself. Stop keeping track. Do you ever? Have you ever?

I have. But eventually, I look back. I look around and I lose my footing and I trip. I see myself doing things and I wonder when I'll stop. My assumptions threaten me with lack. I know they aren't real but I entertain them and I let them delay me. My mind can be a deceptive place.

My regrets are older than me. I grieve over things I've never seen. I can't remember, but I feel responsible. I feel necessary, then I feel useless. All the world is happening and if I don't shut it out, I can't hear myself. I can't contribute. I sit there with my cracks and imperfections and testimonies and I just breathe. Sometimes that's all I can do.

I'm not going to chase better. I won't hold on so tight that my hands lose their warmth and softness. My definition of success keeps getting simpler -- love, food, shelter, dreams. Everything else is luxury. 

It has become clear to me that forgiveness makes life peaceful. And gratitude, that is what truly makes the quality of life better. Here, we appreciate the puzzles and the dead ends as much as the rainbows and the pots of gold.

dependency of self

Universal beings! This is LA as the sun begins to set. how perfect, right?

Such beauty has to be captured when seen, and preserved for later viewing. This morning I had a conversation with a friend about "self" and whether or not, love, confidence, courage existed so she wouldn't lean on men she dated as a need for validation. 

it's a developmental process and like I shared the other day, i am in that same boat. 

i find that more and more women are stuck, stuck between the idea of independence and dependency. We think we are independent because we can pay our own bills, or own our homes and cars -- but emotionally, we are dependent. And, i find that to be worse....

as emotionally beings, it is our only function to love and be loved. we must open ourselves up in order to feel the greatness and beauty of life. AND, we also must leave ourselves open to do the same for others. We MUST let our light shine, so that others give themselves permission to do the same. 

when we find ourselves in relationships, we often lean on our lover for support, validation and acceptance. if i don't touch any part of you with this blog, at least be touched by the idea to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and where you are. 

this idea has been a bit difficult to be consistent with and i'd like to do better. but, it's a day by day process. i have faith that i will become stronger and accept myself more and more each day. it helps to be sure to nourish myself each day with reading material, yoga, spinning, or enjoying a movie/tv show that makes me smile. sometimes, it takes little things to get us feeling better about who we are and where we are in life.

i must know and continue to tell myself that i am whole, i am enough and i am okay. i am right where i need to be; otherwise, my heart will lead me exactly to where i need to be. we are of the Universe and the Universe is of us...

such magnificent love we share!!!!

xo, me.