grey

my shadows are close
i am not ashamed
dark
hardened
relics from previous lives
stains from spilled emotions

ghosts
haunting
reminders of the past
hunted
nonbelievers in the future

i prepare
meet them
lean into the fear of being taken
submerged
forgotten
surrender

finding the grey, the inbetween
merge light with dark
grips of tale tell hearts
unfolding to truth
releasing guilt

they are me
shadows
i soften
round edges
dull sharpened thorns
always on guard
picking a part, throwing a way, tossing aside, damaging self induced theories

they are mine
shadows
i loosen
curved back
mustered strength
a voice that howls
i unwind, i let go, i untangle, loosen grip(s)

ghosts and shadows
seen behind
show up before
i carry them

weights

i am safe - alone

there is no option to hide anymore
i am approaching the edge

...

life
or
death

blank pages everywhere
yet i don't write

solitude and time
yet i don't move

friends and family
yet i don't talk

i am dying
attempting to live

i am death
of fear, concern, worries

i have hidden
i do hide
i hide

i am small
i crawl

i wade
i wait
i am waiting

on me
small, hidden me
crawling, scared me
fearful, tired me

...

      saw my crow
the bird
         on the edge of a light pole

it waited
it sang
it looked

it waited
then jumped

it flew

a w a y
to life
to live
to see
to breathe
to move
to create
to sing
to claim space

i am on the edge
i am the edge
the edge
i seek
i've waited for

i jump.

...

height

when i know that leaving is a must

more than a request

a demand

a sentence

free(dom)

from me

from you

from us

that...world

that...pain

that...loss

those expectations

those assuming thoughts

those obligated nights

those tired mornings

i wrote once

that i wanted to be a bird

i was 5 or 6 or 7

doesn't matter. i knew. this. here. now

i saw this. i saw me.

i don't like me

i don't like this

i don't like who i have become

i forgive...

you

mostly me

i forget...

you, in the midst of remembering me

i am thankful

i know i am more

i am better

i have, been better

i see more

i hear better

i feel, me

i want me

i am

that bird

a bird

i fly

i am flying

slow pour

i dream often
visions and feelings that feel awfully close
too real
i question
i guess
i fear
i leave them alone

i love often
persons and truths closer than my breath
too many
i retreat
i lose
i fight
i walk away

i live, most days
arguable for me
most days, for others
i regret
i forgive
i pray
i try to remember

me
in all this
it's a slow pour...

collecting bones

"what would my life look like if I wasn't attached to my "story" of pain?"

i get stuck, often. 

mostly mentally. 

i get lost in thoughts of what ifs and why didn't i, or even i wish i had. 

i've become so enamored by the lingering feelings of certain pains and misfortunes

resting with ease in what seems to have become too familiar

i no longer want that.

my reality in waves -- ups and downs, over easy, leaving me stuck on stories of what was instead of thoughts and manifestations of what could be. 

what would my life look like if i let go --- was unattached?

free. light. forgiven....

i want that peace. i want that courage. i want that reality. 

xo, me. 

a message.

...whether you are in my life on this day only or years to come -- i thank you for your words. :)

"Ashe! Also, as with all things- may it be your heart, a job, buildings, the earth- there's always going to be change. pain & growth. What's most important is the learned lesson (experience). Enjoy and appreciate the fact that you're existing as you are and people are doing the same. Take it for what it is (but with appreciation and high regards of course). Appreciate your process and everyone else's that's blessed with the opportunity to be apart of your life (for a day or years)."

like a wildflower.

"I don't know what direction I'm going in, but I know how I want to feel..." -gg renee

like this...a wildflower.
free and certain that as i effortlessly grow - i'll always be nourished and watered

lately, i have been feeling just. like. this. :))
it's such a beautiful feeling and i am manifesting more and more of how i want to feel, every.single.day.

before i started this deep dive, i would focus on who i wasn't, what i didn't have, and what wasn't happening in my life.

what you focus on will grow, right?

so as resentment started to grow, mental paralysis of my creativity started to become a constant and my energy level suffered let alone my confidence in completing simple tasks....

yea, i became a version of myself i did not know, recognized or loved.

then, one morning -- i woke up thinking about wildflowers and how beautiful they are in all their colors, lengths, shapes, sizes, scents, etc. the word effortless came to mind and i began to really value the ease in personal growth by allowing the Universe to take care of what i didn't have to --

trust/certainty.

deep diving into my own insecurities and inner struggles with what i know i deserve. logically, it's a no brainer. why wouldn't i deserve the abundance of life, love, peace and happiness. but of course, doubt, worry and fear sneaks in where there are empty spaces, so i am committed to filling those gaps with more love and more trust that all my needs will be met as i continue to deep dive into nourishing my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional self.

and grow, like a wildflower. ;)

xo, me.