slow pour

i dream often
visions and feelings that feel awfully close
too real
i question
i guess
i fear
i leave them alone

i love often
persons and truths closer than my breath
too many
i retreat
i lose
i fight
i walk away

i live, most days
arguable for me
most days, for others
i regret
i forgive
i pray
i try to remember

me
in all this
it's a slow pour...

collecting bones

"what would my life look like if I wasn't attached to my "story" of pain?"

i get stuck, often. 

mostly mentally. 

i get lost in thoughts of what ifs and why didn't i, or even i wish i had. 

i've become so enamored by the lingering feelings of certain pains and misfortunes

resting with ease in what seems to have become too familiar

i no longer want that.

my reality in waves -- ups and downs, over easy, leaving me stuck on stories of what was instead of thoughts and manifestations of what could be. 

what would my life look like if i let go --- was unattached?

free. light. forgiven....

i want that peace. i want that courage. i want that reality. 

xo, me. 

bird by bird

lately, i have been doing a lot of listening.
it's been good, because i believe that alone is one of my greatest qualities.

friends comment on it and i suppose learning about actively listening while in middle school came in handy, because people love a good listener.

but my heart has been heavy and after most of the conversations i've been having, i feel this incredible weight and sorrow for the dreams of my friends that i'm afraid won't be allowed to manifest.

why? well, because of time -- they say. time is what they have very little of and time is what they need more of in order to fulfill their goals, dreams and to become successful (by their standards).

the urgency and the impatience for "things to work out" is extremely high... there is a silent need for the Universe to deliver what they feel they are owed, based on how long and how hard they've been working -and - to know the outcome of their projects, the risks they are considering, the partner they are with, where they will be living for the rest of their lives, their career, it's a lot!

at 29, i have been a part of more conversations like this than i ever imagined. mostly because until recently, i didn't know that i was supposed to be thinking about my social security, family, marriage, house, assets, etc. while on the verge of turning 30 -- and yet, i'm mostly consumed with thoughts of visiting Portland and perhaps getting a new tattoo. *shrugs*

why do so many people feel as though there is no time?

why do we limit ourselves and believe that there is no time to still be spontaneous, to take risks, travel to far away places, think about kids later, buy that house when you're absolutely ready or more!?

time, time, time!
i'm starting to hate the word, let alone the idea that possibility is limited.

i just don't believe it.

the more my friends and i think about what time we don't have, the more we continue to do nothing, move nowhere and dream so very little.

last night i had tea with a young woman who moved to LA from Chicago 8 months ago. she's a comedic writer. a dreamer and her light shined so brightly whenever we talked about writing and what she wanted out of life. she believed in every word. i did too.

then it happened.

within seconds after at least 15 mins of talking about dreams and the possibilities of her obtaining wealth, abundance, and movement came the "i can'ts...unless" and all the possible if/then statements that felt like we slammed on the breaks just before hitting a wall.

riddled with excuses, her language went from "i speak everything into existence" to "i can't write because of...." and i had to say something.....and then, write.

i titled this blog post Bird by Bird, because at the moment, i am reading Bird by Bird, but Anne Lamott and the entire book is about her musings as a writer and life. Bird by bird is a phrase I will forever remember because it simply means step by step. When we move beyond the limits or challenges that we surrender to, we can clearly see the steps we must take or consider when pursuing our goals as artists or in my new friend's case,as a writer.

so, i said to her. what keeps you from writing or starting the blog you speak of?

she said her roommate, and that she needs peace and quiet, her job, because it's just not what she thought it would be, she said money, because she wants to be making more and time, because she gave herself until the end of the year for "success" to happen.

*sigh*

she placed a lot of pressure on herself and her creativity. as i continued to listen, i heard how unless the atmosphere was perfect, she wouldn't put pen to paper and her motivation was shot.

i got it. i too felt that way. but what i'm learning more and more by reading books like Bird by Bird and talking to others about their creative process, is that the more i wait for that perfect moment to release my creativity -- i won't do anything, because in essence, that moment won't ever come. and we find ourselves waiting --- waiting --- and waiting.

without having to go into the full 2 hour discussion -- i decided that i'd think on ways to encourage her gently, hoping she saw value in trying something new to get her closer to her goals.

we all want "success" and though our definitions may be different, the basics are the same for everyone. Money to be comfortable, happiness, opportunity and TIME to continue our creativity.

i told her that i knew all she spoke of would manifest somehow and in ways she wouldn't expect - BUT - she would have to put pen to paper no matter what. It's funny, because we want the Universe to show up, but do we??

do we push through the limits of not having the perfect setting, enough money, or access to what we think we need in order to get started. Like Lamott writes in her book over and over -- we just have to get started. the journey and process will unfold naturally when we show up and commit.

so, get started. the world needs you. we're waiting....

xo, me.

i'm okay, you're okay

how do you deal with that feeling of lack or inadequacy?
how do you quiet those thoughts of someone else being the reminder of where we think we should be?

well, that comparison hurts our process and growth more than we realize. more and more i am realizing how what we experience truly starts with our thoughts.

what we give our attention to, is where we place our power!

the pressure continues in the lives of my friends and myself. we want more, yearn for more and feel as though we deserve more. i have come to understand that this is fear. nothing but fear.

i do want more.
i do yearn for more.

but at what cost?

i'm in the midst of becoming more self aware of the moments when my ego creeps out and says to myself "you are owed this -- why isn't that me? -- why is it happening to them? -- and so much more!"

sigh

telling myself all of those stories becomes really exhausting, so i decided to pause, and focus on my process exactly where i am. the more i think and write about what i've been experiencing, i've noticed a theme - and that theme is to sloooow down, accept where i am and to evolve on my own terms and to celebrate as i go.

yes, celebrate!

self love and appreciation has great benefits. when i show compassion to myself and begin to practice the belief in KNOWING that all my needs are met and the Universe delivers and is always working on my behalf -- i'm at ease. There are no mistakes, missed opportunities unless i choose to focus on what was not, has not come along or may not come my way.

that self-sabotaging thought practice is no longer working for me -- and in retrospect, never did.

i'm always up for trying something new and instead of focusing on what hasn't happened in my life, i'm focusing on what IS happening in my life, right now and knowing there is so much more to come.

changing our perception can create so many miracles in our lives.

what do you have to lose? i think we all can afford to create space for more beautiful things in our lives. abundance is what you and i both deserve out of this life, so why not give it to ourselves!?

xo, me.

everyday reminders

"When you procrastinate, self-sabotage and talk yourself out of things, you are making a choice to slow down your spiritual journey (and your success).  So if you are like me, when you find yourself wishing things would happen faster,  you have to look at yourself and be accountable for the ways you slow things down.  Make sense?" -GG Renee (All The Many Layers)

yes, this makes perfect sense. 

it has taken me quite a while to admit that i am and have been the cause of why things haven't happened in my life - both professionally and personally. too often, i blame it on someone else or something else. but that blaming causes more destruction and self sabotage, than accountability ever will. 

accountability allows me to accept where i lost focus, re-focus and attempt to reconnect with myself again. 

redirection.

i never made the connection between my professional success and my spirituality until recently. and by recently, i mean within the last three years. the more the i become connected with my Self and inner-being, by having a daily spiritual practice and now, yoga.  i understand that nothing is really separated. it's all one, just like we are all one. 

one in mind. many in body. 

lately, i have been surrounded by the need for success to happen, well, like yesterday. friends are rushing to save for retirement, be in relationships that may or may not be healthy just because we are in our 30s, staying at jobs we are unhappy with, & not pursuing our passions because there may not be enough money in it -- exhausting. 

the pressure to be successful is incredibly high and GG's words couldn't have come at a better time, for me. and i thought i'd share. 

success = connection to Self (your Spirit, intuition)

i share in the anxiety with my friends who find themselves stuck or fragmented by doing what's seemingly "right" vs. what feeds me or nurtures my soul. 

we all have choices.

what GG is saying is that it's okay to slow down and reorganize our priorities. when we choose to exhaust ourselves and the people around us with our need to control, over plan and become perfectionist in our professional and personal lives, we miss out on the beauty of our lives unfolding and our success will pass us by. 

when you reconnect with yourself - exercising, meditating, yoga, travel, stillness, etc. 

that pausing reignites our spiritual relationship with ourselves and the spirit that's on fire within us. 

that fire, is our passion and it's quite beautiful when we let it do its own thing

and, letting that fire do its own thing is a spiritual process we develop by...

(1) practicing the art of letting go and 

(2) accepting that everything will ALWAYS work out - there is no right or wrong -- only what is. 

(3) trust in our intuition and 

(4) to TRUST that we'll know what direction to take AND when we don't know which way to go --

(5)  the Universe always provides someone or something to reveal the answer. 

this is exactly where i am. my professional resume is the shit! on paper, you'd think i'd be boosting with confidence because of where i've been and who i've worked with. but the truth is that, sometimes i don't always feel so confident and i don't always feel like what i've done is the shit. and sometimes i want things to happen faster and i want more and more and more. 

so, i have to remind myself of these steps everyday. 

i let go of claiming accolades, as if that matters

i let go of trying to be someone i'm not

i accept that where i am, in this moment is pretty all over the place

but, i know that the Universe has a great plan -- and i will continue to show up and do what i'm skilled to do each and every time

i let go of the need to control outcomes or seek validation

i release attention to things i do not want my power to go towards

and, really, i simply allow myself to enjoy the pleasures of all that i do, as i'm doing them, without fear!

i am only where i am because of the way life has continued to unfold on my behalf and i believe that there is soooo much more coming my way. 

that alone, makes me excited and i'm grateful. 

life is an everyday process of opening our heart to the things we can't control and placing our power on all the miracles that have brought us exactly where we are today. 

that alone, makes us beautiful beings, with so much more to look forward to! 

xo, me. 

who are you? who am i? i am....

morning!
how are you? :)

yesterday i attended a conference presented by Emerging Arts Leaders/LA (EAL/LA) about "curating your career". it was eventful and inspiring -- i met a lot of individuals who were either artists or organizers within the sector that made conversations quite interesting throughout the day.

this is the first time i've ever attended something like this and LA seems to have a lot of professional conferences as this is the city for extreme career advancement! so, i plan to attend more.

however, the basis of this blog entry was inspired by the idea of who we are -- as individuals and as a collective mind set, all having unique experiences of our own.

there were three workshops that we attended and each dealt with some level of whipping our butts into shape when it comes to managing our artistic careers; productivity, personal branding, management, financial development, etc. YES! all of these things were necessary to listen to.

but.

i only had two take away thoughts and woke up this morning and thought i'd share with you....

1) art doesn't always have to be, well, within the arts.  let me explain. the keynote speaker, Dan Goods works for NASA. Pretty amazing! He is a graphic designer by trade, attended art school and created this amazing bottle project that he perfected and pitched it to different places as an artist. No one really understood the project -- he essentially heard more "no's" than "yes's" when it was time to look for a job.

so, one day he asked his wife to mail off a resume for him -- the post office had no letter size envelopes and she instead, selected a huge envelope and sent it to a NASA Office in Pasadena, JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory).  The man who received it, noticed this large envelope and the resume inside and pretty much said, we have to bring this guy in -- who would do this!

so, he went in for an interview -- spoke about his bottle project, graphic design skills and intentions and the interviewer said, though he didn't know anything about how to apply the bottle project to the position being offered -- he wanted to give this artist a chance and after 6 months, they would evaluate whether or not the position was for him. that was ten years ago. Goods spoke on the unexpectedness of applying our creative mind to areas of interest we may have never considered. our "moments" as we experience Life -- should be fulfilling, exciting and with the beauty of possibility that we can be impactful in so many various spaces, careers, locations, etc. he has found a career out of merging science and his love of graphic design and installation art. the projects were truly breathtaking and allowed any viewer to witness the fusion between the beauty of art and the intelligence of science.

my take away from this included expanding my mind as i think about projects and my career in general -- i'm not much for taking the reigns anymore and attempting to lead myself, but i believe in the certainty that listening to Goods about the idea of broadening my own thoughts about myself and where i could apply my creative mind is exciting to me! consider the alternative in your creative process -- who else could you speak to, play in front of and where? who could you teach? where could you apply for a job? go to school? all of those things -- the risk in believing that we are here to not just stay in one lane, but to hop around and gain experience is really the point, right? we are to become as whole as we can -- and wholeness requires movement. so let's move, build, create and thrive!

2) who we are, is not what we do -- the last workshop i attended was based on personal branding and recognizing how others see you. this was fascinating to think about, because very rarely do we concern ourselves with what it is like to encounter ourselves. with seeing ourselves across the room, talking to ourselves, confronting ourselves, pleasing ourselves, etc. we don't know. that mirror would be pretty interesting and probably scary at the same time, but mentally -- we had to go there for this workshop. so we wrote down individuals that we admired and the qualities about those people we admired. at the end, she said, now look at yourself -- see who you are, by what you see in others! YES! YES! though i had a feeling that was exactly the point of the exercise, it was really moving to witness how people stared at this sheet, trying to defend how they were NOT any of those things -- and that made me a bit sad.

see, the people in my workshop equated success as being able to possess those qualities, because everyone they admired or who they listed on the sheet was where they wanted to be, and exactly where they didn't see themselves. "i am not a writer because i have not published" "I am not really a musician, because i have not played in front of crowds of people or sold any albums" -- all of these, i'm not because statements were all based on what they were not doing, that others were.

so, i said, why is it that we define ourselves by what we do? why is it that we will devalue our own process and the work we put in everyday, to claim a title or a moniker? if i write in a journal everyday, or a blog and i aspire to be a writer -- hence i am writing, and enjoy it, aren't i a writer? the problem that i witnessed yesterday, is that in order for us to call ourselves something we MUST excel in in it or be paid for it. i have an issue with that. i believe it trumps any process we could remotely have with the experience of simply enjoying something and recognizing that we do it well and the possibility of its growth into perhaps, a career path.

just because you like to sing, doesn't mean you have to be a singer -- or because i like to cook and bake, doesn't mean i should go to cooking school. no, i enjoy those things and will continue to enjoy those things....

the pressure i noticed with my peers is that we all enjoy and are skilled at many different things -- but society and our industry makes us select one -- and to stick with it. the teacher and I both agreed that you don't have to. we aren't blessed with such unique talents and skills that make us all individually great to just dismiss some and only apply others. no, we should be embracing them all --we are creative and innovative and wise and original and just simple unique. why not embrace it all!!?  play music, cook, draw, sing, run, make pottery, write, teach, paint, design, sew, make films -- and enjoy the process of doing them all!

that is Life, that is what is possible -- not staying in one lane and stressing about becoming this one thing when we are so much more!!!

go live, go thrive and experience :)

xo, me.

Ernest Holmes on Life...and our choosing it

good morning!

it's been such a busy week, i didn't realize a whole week had gone by since i last wrote in this blog! I'd like to post at least three times a week -- so that will be my goal this week. baby steps :)

in addition to working physically here and mentally in NYC as I develop/curate this exhibition -- i have been, on a daily basis, setting my intention to working within a limitless belief system. logically, i know that i am capable and all things are possible -- logically. but when you begin to live within that mindset, challenges come and i found myself having to choose whether or not i was going to stay committed to my intention or not. 

yes, there are a lot of challenges in working with an artist across the country :) many. challenges. but, when i started to become really serious about setting this intention, the opportunity to work with them became full circle and i knew that i could not think within the confines of limiting thoughts of doubt, worry or fear. thankfully, we have a budget (and for those that work with artists, know that doesn't come often!), but even having the money to do certain things started to cause limiting thoughts. 

so, i went back to what i know, and that's -- if the universe provided this opportunity (literally, in my lap) then there was purpose, promise and benefit in the work. in addition to, knowing that whatever was the will of the Universe, essentially bringing my spirit and the spirit of this artist together -- something great was brewing. we just needed to step back, ease off the aspect to control and make shit happen our way, and watch the alignment happen -- because it was meant to happen this way. 

to date -- we have a venue that is remarkable -- talent that we will soon have to choose who to add to the bill and marketing partners that will create amazing extensions for this event. the alignment. our trust. us falling back and letting IT do what IT does. amazing!

it wasn't easy. when you have a clear understanding of Universal law -- when some don't. challenges do arise. but thankfully, we (the artist and i) are on one accord and it feels good to work with someone that accepts the truth of Life as it is -- knowing it's all good in the end. 

oh! haven't mentioned Ernest Holmes yet. So, if you aren't familiar -- he is the author of The Science of the Mind. Many study this book, as it is a way of thinking when you approach Life's promise -- the Source of who we are. I enjoy reading works by thinkers who seem to understand the simplicity in Spirituality being a personal thing. This is from a chapter I read this morning:

"because Life is in you, then the Truth is in you, and the Spirit is in you and Power is in you. if you will wait on this Power, this Truth and this Light, they will guide you. one of the greatest things you can do is to learn to wait on the God Power within you...." 

love and light beings! have a beautiful day :)
xo, me. 

thinker. thinking. thought

good morning!

i felt the need to share this from my reading this morning -- before heading out for work...

thought it energy.

it is the direct reflection of our actions, speech and emotions -- which then translate themselves into our experiences. 

in other words, that which we think reality to be, is our experience!

have you considered this before? have you thought back on a situation or circumstance and said to yourself -- wow, i gave ALL of that WAY too much power! I know i have. I read recently a quote from Buddah that said, "wherever you are, there you are." 

the present.

this is exactly where we should be placing our power. within the realms of gratefulness for where we are, exactly as we are. this level of thinking gives the Universe permission to handle the rest for us. Our thinking is our power and i know that when i choose to focus on my present be-ing...what's been good, what is good, my openness. i don't have mental capacity for anything else. 

I trust that the Universe will bring me closer to what I need and take away what and whom i don't.

thought is energy.

with intention, we can refocus our thinking, hence refocusing our energy into what's in front of us. letting go of our past and releasing our future.

xo, me. 

You. Are. Beautiful.

it's been a while!
hi :)

i've been blessed with two creative jobs that have been keeping me busy busy! And though i am grateful, i have missed writing in this blog.

So, today, while doing some online research, i came across a website called 'you are beautiful' and i thought the idea was pretty fantastic! This artist, decided to print 200 'you are beautiful' stickers and share them with friends, family, and place them randomly throughout his city of Chicago. The response was overwhelming and so he decided to start selling the stickers which then lead to a movement where murals were painted and his stickers have literally been all over the world!

Then I started to think...wow! his efforts were so simple and with the simplicity of a three word phrase, he is changing the world. I am really captured by the power of YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and how this reminder, has really made people stop, think and smile about the truth in that statement.

This small, but significant act has really reaffirmed that all of our efforts, no matter how small are important, beneficial, magnificent and we should continue pursuing the things that interest us! We never know the arms and legs that will grow from our work and who it will affect. so keep going!!

xo, me

forever you, my friend

woke up to some sad new today. an old friend passed away, whom i valued and was definitely anxious to see them again. it had been a month since we last spoke to each other, and i remember feeling like things were not okay in their world. as their responses were becoming "okay and good" and typically shorter than i was accustomed to. 

unsure how they transitioned, i am grateful today for the time spent with them. the many conversations, the smiles, the laughter, the late night "what do i do" or "let me teach you how" -- it was worth it. their life was worth the many moments i shared with therm and the countless moments others will be able to claim. 

they will be missed and forever treasured. 

the sun is shining bright today and the sky, as you can see is sooooo blue :)) a new angel!
love and light to all!

xo, me. 

our gardens...

it's in the 80s today! perfect day to grow some thangs!!!

so, after taking the pups on a morning walk, i decided to start an herb garden. the thought wasn't as fleeting as i'm making it seem, i've done some research on which herbs i'd like to start with and the proper care for each. :) this morning was all about buying the starter plants, soil and pots. 

i decided to start with rosemary, lavender and sweet basil. while at the store, i started to get really excited about this project because there are so many plants i want to include in my herb garden, but i'm excited about these three as i know the process of watching them grow and smelling them, will be amazing! 

this is a love project, and all mine. and i needed that. 

i like to think of myself as a plant, rather a flower that needs proper nourishment to grow and shine. though i don't limit my happiness based on circumstance, i have found pleasure in myself and i know that happiness is a choice. so, today, i am choosing to spread a lil love towards something that i can watch blossom and eventually use in my cooking, sharing with others and more!. 

i think i'm most excited about this journey and how i can share it....

i needed something that i could fully invest myself into. many times, we do just that with our lovers, families and friends. but, i like the idea of giving my love to a plant -- whom like me, needs sunlight, water and nourishment to grow. perhaps this will be an attempt to give myself that same tender love and care, too ;))

and i say that because i haven't been too good to myself in thought and action. i'd like to change that. so, like everything, it will be a process, but this herb garden will be my starting point! 

i picked up an old journal yesterday and found some words i had written, to be really inspiring. perhaps they will be the same for you :))

happy saturday!

"...today will be the most perfect day for my light to shine. my peace is so fulfilling, my love so abundant and i observe transformation. i exist today, perfectly. i am alive!." 

xo, me. 

between logic and action

by GG Renee of AllTheManyLayers 

and author of The Beautiful Disruption and Wallflower

Take a step back for a moment. There is no need to prove anything. The brave face you put forward everyday says enough. 

I hope that when you finish reading this, you feel lighter. You just might be gentler with yourself. Everyone has bad habits. Everyone has blind spots. You will never figure it all out, but you will learn things. There's peace in that.

Read On!>>>
This is a place where cracks and imperfections and testimonies are beloved. Here, to know better does not always mean to do better, and that's okay. I believe and I still doubt. Through it all, I pray, I write and I hold on to myself. I am challenged everyday and I still choose to believe. Here, we tell stories; we don't judge.

I always want to do better. But I also want to allow myself to journey in peace, without constant criticism and judgment. I want to be a soothing refuge for myself. I try to avoid tripping over the same bump in the road more than once, but it happens. I trip. I fall hard often and get bruised. I'm not ashamed of my bruises anymore. I have lived. I am living. There's no need to hide that. I have scars, each one kissed with acceptance. If I didn't have these scars I wouldn't know how beautiful they could make me feel.

I wonder if you are ever afraid to get away. To just get up and walk out. Remove yourself from the madness. Walk out of the insecurity and the urge to compare yourself. Run and don't look back. Stop measuring yourself. Stop keeping track. Do you ever? Have you ever?

I have. But eventually, I look back. I look around and I lose my footing and I trip. I see myself doing things and I wonder when I'll stop. My assumptions threaten me with lack. I know they aren't real but I entertain them and I let them delay me. My mind can be a deceptive place.

My regrets are older than me. I grieve over things I've never seen. I can't remember, but I feel responsible. I feel necessary, then I feel useless. All the world is happening and if I don't shut it out, I can't hear myself. I can't contribute. I sit there with my cracks and imperfections and testimonies and I just breathe. Sometimes that's all I can do.

I'm not going to chase better. I won't hold on so tight that my hands lose their warmth and softness. My definition of success keeps getting simpler -- love, food, shelter, dreams. Everything else is luxury. 

It has become clear to me that forgiveness makes life peaceful. And gratitude, that is what truly makes the quality of life better. Here, we appreciate the puzzles and the dead ends as much as the rainbows and the pots of gold.

have faith?

what do they say? "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen?"

loosen up those mental chains, let go of the need to control and just be...

there are so many wonderful things happening in the lives of my family and friends -- we are so blessed. i encourage you to be still, listen and observe. the answers are already here! the opportunities are waiting for you!! get out of your OWN way!!

life can be that simple. 

xo, me. 

the removal of such...

ciao Universe!

it rained here in sunny southern california :) most people don't think we experience 'weather' lol but we do. i welcome this rain, it's so refreshing and cleansing. the sun is out and the trees and flowers are bright and beautiful, the birds are chirping -- it's such a perfect morning. 

i woke up early today, 6:30 to be exact and the rain made me think about the word removal -- and all that we don't let go of or get rid of. symbolically, the rain cleansing LA this morning made me feel so clear of clutter that i have allowed to build up within in, on me, around me --it's necessary to remove it in order for us to grow and become more open!

i understand why people cleanse their bodies. i used to do it on a quarterly basis and i think i will start doing that again. it puts you in a mindset of being more aware of what we put in our bodies and what we allow around our bodies, minds, spirits. 

i also have been challenging myself to stop doing things that i do not enjoy or bring pleasure to me. i ended a volunteer job i had the other day because it no longer served my spirit -- the energy and atmosphere wasn't serving the purpose it should have been, and i do not regret it. i am still in search of a place to practice my yoga and really become immersed in the culture there, this place was not that place -- and that is okay. it was my first experience here in LA, and in life period -- and i look forward to having many more experience to grow and mature my practice!

i am learning that part of be-coming has EVERYTHING to do with awareness of self. what works, what doesn't -- what hurts, what feels good, etc. etc. every morning i have been meditating on the idea of aligning myself with the Universe -- letting go of things i have chosen to worry about or become doubtful of, such as money, bills, debt. faith and worry do not mix and i am committed to staying faithful and trusting that God already has a plan. the blessing is already here! 

so, i say all of this to continue on a path of removing what no longer works -- my spiritual mentor Mark Nepo would call that sacrifice, as it brings us closer to spirit. i value that and i want to become closer, so the shedding must happen!

let's be magical :))

xo, me. 

create(ing) self.

it's monday!
perfect new start to a beautiful day, filled with anticipation and intention.

i decided that the word initiative i have been meditating on, will mean to start fresh each day by adding on or should i say, taking away the limits i placed on myself the day before. 

it's real folks....shit is real! temptations, challenges, habits that we far to frequently participate in unknowingly until shit has happened and we stand back feeling guilty for not recognizing such. 

but, i am learning that, that's the 'breaking through' or the accepting of what is true about who we are, exactly as we are, where we are. 

and we MUST accept that truth, even if it hurts and brings us to tears. 

change is a process and something to be committed to, even when that process includes stormy weather.

i preface that statement by reminding myself that all i've been writing in this blog, is consistent with the advice i'd give to someone else, a friend perhaps. so, why not be committed to the words I write everyday...lol, right?!

oh to live honestly! it's heart work and at times, hard work. 

xo, me. 

creating the life

it's been an incredible two days. 
and the Universe is showing me who I am -- one heartfelt blow at a time lol 
it's been tough seeing the mirror and my reflection that i have been associating with right, wrong, bad and good. 

at the same time, i've been hearing how important it is for me to create the life that i want, to have thoughts that encourage me living my own potential. i have been through an intense period of figuring out my passion, putting projects down, picking up new interests and really allowing myself float on the skills and talents that I've been given and have developed. 

i've take steps back and at times, it makes me feel a little crazy. o_0

but, i have been reminded, that if i continue to cling to the thoughts, reactions and conversations that i have been subscribing to, i will continue to create the same life that is no longer working for me. 

i have a love of my life -- but i've been smothering her for the sake of not feeling so good about me. wanting her to see that without me being verbal about. my reactions and actions have suggested that i'm threatened by the fact that her first love is writing -- and though my intentions have never gone that far in my mind, i can see why she feels as though i may be battling with attention and placement in her life. 

if i truly understood her love for writing, i would automatically know that her love for writing is how she functions, breathes and she gets mentally constipated when she doesn't do it. i can sympathize, because i used to feel the exact same way when i was writing full time. you need to release it. 

my actions haven't suggested or been complimentary to my intentions or words. i am willing to do better and become better. i know that the initiative i show will speak volumes before anything i can say.

i intend to show more initiative and not wait to be told or wait to act on what it is i know would be helpful and meaningful to simply take care of. i am learning that i have lived a very privileged life -- and though i've had a great childhood, in a lot of ways, i've been mentally still there -- waiting for directions and validations. i see the woman i am to become.  i see her. i know. she's already here. 

xo, me

i want for you, what you want for you...

good morning Universal beings!

i decided to do a 21 day meditation challenge all about love and i invited my sister and two good friends to do it along with me. the mantra that has been reinforced when considering love is; "i want for you, what you want for you." 

think about that.

i want for you, what YOU want for you.

when i started meditating on that mantra, i began to feel really calm and in a state of acceptance. far too often, we are focused on what it is that we want, that we miss out on what our loved ones want or need, for themselves. 

being in a relationship can create an atmosphere of being blind and deaf to what the essential needs are from our partners. this mantra, which i urge you to try for at least a week, will help you be in a place of acceptance and peace.  Life is all about being happy and joyful! 

when we have been assigned to certain people, it is crucial that we accept our assignment with an understanding that what we want should be respected just as much as the needs of our partners. 

how can you open yourself more to explore the needs of your partner and to listen to those needs, without judgement, excuses or responses?

let's try it!

xo, me. 

dependency of self

Universal beings! This is LA as the sun begins to set. how perfect, right?

Such beauty has to be captured when seen, and preserved for later viewing. This morning I had a conversation with a friend about "self" and whether or not, love, confidence, courage existed so she wouldn't lean on men she dated as a need for validation. 

it's a developmental process and like I shared the other day, i am in that same boat. 

i find that more and more women are stuck, stuck between the idea of independence and dependency. We think we are independent because we can pay our own bills, or own our homes and cars -- but emotionally, we are dependent. And, i find that to be worse....

as emotionally beings, it is our only function to love and be loved. we must open ourselves up in order to feel the greatness and beauty of life. AND, we also must leave ourselves open to do the same for others. We MUST let our light shine, so that others give themselves permission to do the same. 

when we find ourselves in relationships, we often lean on our lover for support, validation and acceptance. if i don't touch any part of you with this blog, at least be touched by the idea to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and where you are. 

this idea has been a bit difficult to be consistent with and i'd like to do better. but, it's a day by day process. i have faith that i will become stronger and accept myself more and more each day. it helps to be sure to nourish myself each day with reading material, yoga, spinning, or enjoying a movie/tv show that makes me smile. sometimes, it takes little things to get us feeling better about who we are and where we are in life.

i must know and continue to tell myself that i am whole, i am enough and i am okay. i am right where i need to be; otherwise, my heart will lead me exactly to where i need to be. we are of the Universe and the Universe is of us...

such magnificent love we share!!!!

xo, me. 

let me love, me

hello Universal beings!

it's been a few days -- i have been a little low on energy and self love. But i am growing and pushing through the limits i've places on my self, so i have faith that I will blossom from this feeling very soon. 

magic, right?! :)

i signed up for a yoga newsletter recently, and i read an article that shared this with the readers:

"Unless we are whole and able to find happiness within our lives, we cannot possibly have healthy relationships with others. When we are unable to love ourselves, we seek affection and love from our partners." 

how true is this statement?!! this is precisely what i have been battling with lately and this broke it down quite clear for me. my contract has ended with Sundance and i am in search of my next project -- i told myself before it ended that i would not sink back into a place of sadness and inadequacy. because whatever it is that we feel we are lacking, is because of us -- not others. remember that!

the Universe is soooo good to us, because when we quiet the voices in our heads -- and open our hearts to truly listen to what it is that we need to learn from our circumstances, we are given exactly all the truth we need. 

and this article, was the TRUTH i needed! 

i have been smothering my partner and mostly because i have been unhappy, sad, and really trying to push though the fear of when i will start working again. i must trust and worrying and faith don't mix, i know that much!

so, i do not want my relationship to implode, and i do not want to smother my partner to the point where she distances herself from me. so, i have committed myself to doing things that help me continue to give myself all the loving i need in order to be a better partner, friend, lover and supporter. 

there is no us without me being good to me, first. 

intention for today -- give yourself permission to love yourself today. be it yoga, reading, writing, meditating, whatever you need to do to get back to you -- do it!! :))))

meditation: i align myself with the Universe

xo, me. 

the flower in the mud

when in doubt, call on the Universe!

have you ever found yourself depressed or simply sad, unable to get out of that funk?

i know i have. whether or not we care to admit it to ourselves, depression is something that is real and we've all been there. it's okay -- this morning's reading focused on softening those places within ourselves that have hardened and give ourselves permission to release it and let it go. 

which means, i had to go back to those thoughts and those places within myself to say -- okay, this is what it feels like, now God, take it away....

this is precisely when faith comes in! we have to know that when we pray and ask for God's light to shine on our hard places -- they will be become soft and eventually fade away. trust that. 

this morning, when reading about this process, i began to think of myself as a flower -- stuck in the mud, unable to detach from the grips keeping me where i was. i began to be thankful for my mud -- and the holding, because without this trapping, i wouldn't have been led to recognizing it and drawing myself closer to Spirit in order to break free. 

this mud -- represents the trappings of my sadness, and i, the flower -- is what the world needs. the world needs to see my beauty and my light!! and it needs to see yours. this process is a daily, mental challenge. my intentions of being free from worry, doubt and fear have to be real in order to manifest. so, i am committed and staying committed. 

miracles DO happen. 
that's the magic

xo, me.