bird by bird

lately, i have been doing a lot of listening.
it's been good, because i believe that alone is one of my greatest qualities.

friends comment on it and i suppose learning about actively listening while in middle school came in handy, because people love a good listener.

but my heart has been heavy and after most of the conversations i've been having, i feel this incredible weight and sorrow for the dreams of my friends that i'm afraid won't be allowed to manifest.

why? well, because of time -- they say. time is what they have very little of and time is what they need more of in order to fulfill their goals, dreams and to become successful (by their standards).

the urgency and the impatience for "things to work out" is extremely high... there is a silent need for the Universe to deliver what they feel they are owed, based on how long and how hard they've been working -and - to know the outcome of their projects, the risks they are considering, the partner they are with, where they will be living for the rest of their lives, their career, it's a lot!

at 29, i have been a part of more conversations like this than i ever imagined. mostly because until recently, i didn't know that i was supposed to be thinking about my social security, family, marriage, house, assets, etc. while on the verge of turning 30 -- and yet, i'm mostly consumed with thoughts of visiting Portland and perhaps getting a new tattoo. *shrugs*

why do so many people feel as though there is no time?

why do we limit ourselves and believe that there is no time to still be spontaneous, to take risks, travel to far away places, think about kids later, buy that house when you're absolutely ready or more!?

time, time, time!
i'm starting to hate the word, let alone the idea that possibility is limited.

i just don't believe it.

the more my friends and i think about what time we don't have, the more we continue to do nothing, move nowhere and dream so very little.

last night i had tea with a young woman who moved to LA from Chicago 8 months ago. she's a comedic writer. a dreamer and her light shined so brightly whenever we talked about writing and what she wanted out of life. she believed in every word. i did too.

then it happened.

within seconds after at least 15 mins of talking about dreams and the possibilities of her obtaining wealth, abundance, and movement came the "i can'ts...unless" and all the possible if/then statements that felt like we slammed on the breaks just before hitting a wall.

riddled with excuses, her language went from "i speak everything into existence" to "i can't write because of...." and i had to say something.....and then, write.

i titled this blog post Bird by Bird, because at the moment, i am reading Bird by Bird, but Anne Lamott and the entire book is about her musings as a writer and life. Bird by bird is a phrase I will forever remember because it simply means step by step. When we move beyond the limits or challenges that we surrender to, we can clearly see the steps we must take or consider when pursuing our goals as artists or in my new friend's case,as a writer.

so, i said to her. what keeps you from writing or starting the blog you speak of?

she said her roommate, and that she needs peace and quiet, her job, because it's just not what she thought it would be, she said money, because she wants to be making more and time, because she gave herself until the end of the year for "success" to happen.

*sigh*

she placed a lot of pressure on herself and her creativity. as i continued to listen, i heard how unless the atmosphere was perfect, she wouldn't put pen to paper and her motivation was shot.

i got it. i too felt that way. but what i'm learning more and more by reading books like Bird by Bird and talking to others about their creative process, is that the more i wait for that perfect moment to release my creativity -- i won't do anything, because in essence, that moment won't ever come. and we find ourselves waiting --- waiting --- and waiting.

without having to go into the full 2 hour discussion -- i decided that i'd think on ways to encourage her gently, hoping she saw value in trying something new to get her closer to her goals.

we all want "success" and though our definitions may be different, the basics are the same for everyone. Money to be comfortable, happiness, opportunity and TIME to continue our creativity.

i told her that i knew all she spoke of would manifest somehow and in ways she wouldn't expect - BUT - she would have to put pen to paper no matter what. It's funny, because we want the Universe to show up, but do we??

do we push through the limits of not having the perfect setting, enough money, or access to what we think we need in order to get started. Like Lamott writes in her book over and over -- we just have to get started. the journey and process will unfold naturally when we show up and commit.

so, get started. the world needs you. we're waiting....

xo, me.

that damn safety net

yesterday, i was told that i grew up without much of a safety net. and, for that reason - i respond to certain triggers and situations in a very awkward, emotionally self-absorbed way.

i am still processing this observation, but the idea of safety has been haunting me since that conversation. what is it and is it something that is taught, acquired or learned?

my therapist made this observation and rightfully so, because that is her job. she sensed that i have been mentally scattered and she is right, i am. but one circumstance of me forgetting to walk my dogs in the afternoon --making them hold their "do" for an extended period of time -- made her feel as though i was emotionally neglected growing up and that my interest in being aware of others that depend on me is under-developed.

hmmmm.

even typing that is a lot. but, i appreciated her thoughtfulness and regard to whether or not i tend to forget certain responsibilities when i become mentally distracted.

i don't know.

a one time occurrence has led me to questioning the levels of "safety" that has been in my life, and rather it exists today.

there are many places i feel safe. in my home, for instance. i feel safe in every room. i feel safe enough to walk around in the dark, to fall asleep with the patio door open for fresh air. i feel safe in my neighborhood and walking the dogs at night, alone. when i think of my physical safety -- i feel safe.

the kicker in all of this was when asked to recount certain memories of my emotional and mental safety, where she concluded that my emotions/feelings were not kept safe. they weren't validated as being okay for me to have or express and now, when triggered, i go into defense mode since i haven't felt safe to leave feelings on the table without fear of critique, dismissal or neglectful handling.

oh.

like i said, this is still something i'm thinking about, and the idea of being mentally and/or emotionally safe feels like something i'd like to discuss more and be more mindful of. perhaps we all should be more mindful of how we take care of our emotional health -- AND to reflect on where we learned how to take care of our emotional selves -- if at all.

a day in deep thought.

xo, me.

i'm okay, you're okay

how do you deal with that feeling of lack or inadequacy?
how do you quiet those thoughts of someone else being the reminder of where we think we should be?

well, that comparison hurts our process and growth more than we realize. more and more i am realizing how what we experience truly starts with our thoughts.

what we give our attention to, is where we place our power!

the pressure continues in the lives of my friends and myself. we want more, yearn for more and feel as though we deserve more. i have come to understand that this is fear. nothing but fear.

i do want more.
i do yearn for more.

but at what cost?

i'm in the midst of becoming more self aware of the moments when my ego creeps out and says to myself "you are owed this -- why isn't that me? -- why is it happening to them? -- and so much more!"

sigh

telling myself all of those stories becomes really exhausting, so i decided to pause, and focus on my process exactly where i am. the more i think and write about what i've been experiencing, i've noticed a theme - and that theme is to sloooow down, accept where i am and to evolve on my own terms and to celebrate as i go.

yes, celebrate!

self love and appreciation has great benefits. when i show compassion to myself and begin to practice the belief in KNOWING that all my needs are met and the Universe delivers and is always working on my behalf -- i'm at ease. There are no mistakes, missed opportunities unless i choose to focus on what was not, has not come along or may not come my way.

that self-sabotaging thought practice is no longer working for me -- and in retrospect, never did.

i'm always up for trying something new and instead of focusing on what hasn't happened in my life, i'm focusing on what IS happening in my life, right now and knowing there is so much more to come.

changing our perception can create so many miracles in our lives.

what do you have to lose? i think we all can afford to create space for more beautiful things in our lives. abundance is what you and i both deserve out of this life, so why not give it to ourselves!?

xo, me.

everyday reminders

"When you procrastinate, self-sabotage and talk yourself out of things, you are making a choice to slow down your spiritual journey (and your success).  So if you are like me, when you find yourself wishing things would happen faster,  you have to look at yourself and be accountable for the ways you slow things down.  Make sense?" -GG Renee (All The Many Layers)

yes, this makes perfect sense. 

it has taken me quite a while to admit that i am and have been the cause of why things haven't happened in my life - both professionally and personally. too often, i blame it on someone else or something else. but that blaming causes more destruction and self sabotage, than accountability ever will. 

accountability allows me to accept where i lost focus, re-focus and attempt to reconnect with myself again. 

redirection.

i never made the connection between my professional success and my spirituality until recently. and by recently, i mean within the last three years. the more the i become connected with my Self and inner-being, by having a daily spiritual practice and now, yoga.  i understand that nothing is really separated. it's all one, just like we are all one. 

one in mind. many in body. 

lately, i have been surrounded by the need for success to happen, well, like yesterday. friends are rushing to save for retirement, be in relationships that may or may not be healthy just because we are in our 30s, staying at jobs we are unhappy with, & not pursuing our passions because there may not be enough money in it -- exhausting. 

the pressure to be successful is incredibly high and GG's words couldn't have come at a better time, for me. and i thought i'd share. 

success = connection to Self (your Spirit, intuition)

i share in the anxiety with my friends who find themselves stuck or fragmented by doing what's seemingly "right" vs. what feeds me or nurtures my soul. 

we all have choices.

what GG is saying is that it's okay to slow down and reorganize our priorities. when we choose to exhaust ourselves and the people around us with our need to control, over plan and become perfectionist in our professional and personal lives, we miss out on the beauty of our lives unfolding and our success will pass us by. 

when you reconnect with yourself - exercising, meditating, yoga, travel, stillness, etc. 

that pausing reignites our spiritual relationship with ourselves and the spirit that's on fire within us. 

that fire, is our passion and it's quite beautiful when we let it do its own thing

and, letting that fire do its own thing is a spiritual process we develop by...

(1) practicing the art of letting go and 

(2) accepting that everything will ALWAYS work out - there is no right or wrong -- only what is. 

(3) trust in our intuition and 

(4) to TRUST that we'll know what direction to take AND when we don't know which way to go --

(5)  the Universe always provides someone or something to reveal the answer. 

this is exactly where i am. my professional resume is the shit! on paper, you'd think i'd be boosting with confidence because of where i've been and who i've worked with. but the truth is that, sometimes i don't always feel so confident and i don't always feel like what i've done is the shit. and sometimes i want things to happen faster and i want more and more and more. 

so, i have to remind myself of these steps everyday. 

i let go of claiming accolades, as if that matters

i let go of trying to be someone i'm not

i accept that where i am, in this moment is pretty all over the place

but, i know that the Universe has a great plan -- and i will continue to show up and do what i'm skilled to do each and every time

i let go of the need to control outcomes or seek validation

i release attention to things i do not want my power to go towards

and, really, i simply allow myself to enjoy the pleasures of all that i do, as i'm doing them, without fear!

i am only where i am because of the way life has continued to unfold on my behalf and i believe that there is soooo much more coming my way. 

that alone, makes me excited and i'm grateful. 

life is an everyday process of opening our heart to the things we can't control and placing our power on all the miracles that have brought us exactly where we are today. 

that alone, makes us beautiful beings, with so much more to look forward to! 

xo, me.