i'm okay, you're okay

how do you deal with that feeling of lack or inadequacy?
how do you quiet those thoughts of someone else being the reminder of where we think we should be?

well, that comparison hurts our process and growth more than we realize. more and more i am realizing how what we experience truly starts with our thoughts.

what we give our attention to, is where we place our power!

the pressure continues in the lives of my friends and myself. we want more, yearn for more and feel as though we deserve more. i have come to understand that this is fear. nothing but fear.

i do want more.
i do yearn for more.

but at what cost?

i'm in the midst of becoming more self aware of the moments when my ego creeps out and says to myself "you are owed this -- why isn't that me? -- why is it happening to them? -- and so much more!"

sigh

telling myself all of those stories becomes really exhausting, so i decided to pause, and focus on my process exactly where i am. the more i think and write about what i've been experiencing, i've noticed a theme - and that theme is to sloooow down, accept where i am and to evolve on my own terms and to celebrate as i go.

yes, celebrate!

self love and appreciation has great benefits. when i show compassion to myself and begin to practice the belief in KNOWING that all my needs are met and the Universe delivers and is always working on my behalf -- i'm at ease. There are no mistakes, missed opportunities unless i choose to focus on what was not, has not come along or may not come my way.

that self-sabotaging thought practice is no longer working for me -- and in retrospect, never did.

i'm always up for trying something new and instead of focusing on what hasn't happened in my life, i'm focusing on what IS happening in my life, right now and knowing there is so much more to come.

changing our perception can create so many miracles in our lives.

what do you have to lose? i think we all can afford to create space for more beautiful things in our lives. abundance is what you and i both deserve out of this life, so why not give it to ourselves!?

xo, me.

everyday reminders

"When you procrastinate, self-sabotage and talk yourself out of things, you are making a choice to slow down your spiritual journey (and your success).  So if you are like me, when you find yourself wishing things would happen faster,  you have to look at yourself and be accountable for the ways you slow things down.  Make sense?" -GG Renee (All The Many Layers)

yes, this makes perfect sense. 

it has taken me quite a while to admit that i am and have been the cause of why things haven't happened in my life - both professionally and personally. too often, i blame it on someone else or something else. but that blaming causes more destruction and self sabotage, than accountability ever will. 

accountability allows me to accept where i lost focus, re-focus and attempt to reconnect with myself again. 

redirection.

i never made the connection between my professional success and my spirituality until recently. and by recently, i mean within the last three years. the more the i become connected with my Self and inner-being, by having a daily spiritual practice and now, yoga.  i understand that nothing is really separated. it's all one, just like we are all one. 

one in mind. many in body. 

lately, i have been surrounded by the need for success to happen, well, like yesterday. friends are rushing to save for retirement, be in relationships that may or may not be healthy just because we are in our 30s, staying at jobs we are unhappy with, & not pursuing our passions because there may not be enough money in it -- exhausting. 

the pressure to be successful is incredibly high and GG's words couldn't have come at a better time, for me. and i thought i'd share. 

success = connection to Self (your Spirit, intuition)

i share in the anxiety with my friends who find themselves stuck or fragmented by doing what's seemingly "right" vs. what feeds me or nurtures my soul. 

we all have choices.

what GG is saying is that it's okay to slow down and reorganize our priorities. when we choose to exhaust ourselves and the people around us with our need to control, over plan and become perfectionist in our professional and personal lives, we miss out on the beauty of our lives unfolding and our success will pass us by. 

when you reconnect with yourself - exercising, meditating, yoga, travel, stillness, etc. 

that pausing reignites our spiritual relationship with ourselves and the spirit that's on fire within us. 

that fire, is our passion and it's quite beautiful when we let it do its own thing

and, letting that fire do its own thing is a spiritual process we develop by...

(1) practicing the art of letting go and 

(2) accepting that everything will ALWAYS work out - there is no right or wrong -- only what is. 

(3) trust in our intuition and 

(4) to TRUST that we'll know what direction to take AND when we don't know which way to go --

(5)  the Universe always provides someone or something to reveal the answer. 

this is exactly where i am. my professional resume is the shit! on paper, you'd think i'd be boosting with confidence because of where i've been and who i've worked with. but the truth is that, sometimes i don't always feel so confident and i don't always feel like what i've done is the shit. and sometimes i want things to happen faster and i want more and more and more. 

so, i have to remind myself of these steps everyday. 

i let go of claiming accolades, as if that matters

i let go of trying to be someone i'm not

i accept that where i am, in this moment is pretty all over the place

but, i know that the Universe has a great plan -- and i will continue to show up and do what i'm skilled to do each and every time

i let go of the need to control outcomes or seek validation

i release attention to things i do not want my power to go towards

and, really, i simply allow myself to enjoy the pleasures of all that i do, as i'm doing them, without fear!

i am only where i am because of the way life has continued to unfold on my behalf and i believe that there is soooo much more coming my way. 

that alone, makes me excited and i'm grateful. 

life is an everyday process of opening our heart to the things we can't control and placing our power on all the miracles that have brought us exactly where we are today. 

that alone, makes us beautiful beings, with so much more to look forward to! 

xo, me. 

between logic and action

by GG Renee of AllTheManyLayers 

and author of The Beautiful Disruption and Wallflower

Take a step back for a moment. There is no need to prove anything. The brave face you put forward everyday says enough. 

I hope that when you finish reading this, you feel lighter. You just might be gentler with yourself. Everyone has bad habits. Everyone has blind spots. You will never figure it all out, but you will learn things. There's peace in that.

Read On!>>>
This is a place where cracks and imperfections and testimonies are beloved. Here, to know better does not always mean to do better, and that's okay. I believe and I still doubt. Through it all, I pray, I write and I hold on to myself. I am challenged everyday and I still choose to believe. Here, we tell stories; we don't judge.

I always want to do better. But I also want to allow myself to journey in peace, without constant criticism and judgment. I want to be a soothing refuge for myself. I try to avoid tripping over the same bump in the road more than once, but it happens. I trip. I fall hard often and get bruised. I'm not ashamed of my bruises anymore. I have lived. I am living. There's no need to hide that. I have scars, each one kissed with acceptance. If I didn't have these scars I wouldn't know how beautiful they could make me feel.

I wonder if you are ever afraid to get away. To just get up and walk out. Remove yourself from the madness. Walk out of the insecurity and the urge to compare yourself. Run and don't look back. Stop measuring yourself. Stop keeping track. Do you ever? Have you ever?

I have. But eventually, I look back. I look around and I lose my footing and I trip. I see myself doing things and I wonder when I'll stop. My assumptions threaten me with lack. I know they aren't real but I entertain them and I let them delay me. My mind can be a deceptive place.

My regrets are older than me. I grieve over things I've never seen. I can't remember, but I feel responsible. I feel necessary, then I feel useless. All the world is happening and if I don't shut it out, I can't hear myself. I can't contribute. I sit there with my cracks and imperfections and testimonies and I just breathe. Sometimes that's all I can do.

I'm not going to chase better. I won't hold on so tight that my hands lose their warmth and softness. My definition of success keeps getting simpler -- love, food, shelter, dreams. Everything else is luxury. 

It has become clear to me that forgiveness makes life peaceful. And gratitude, that is what truly makes the quality of life better. Here, we appreciate the puzzles and the dead ends as much as the rainbows and the pots of gold.

create(ing) self.

it's monday!
perfect new start to a beautiful day, filled with anticipation and intention.

i decided that the word initiative i have been meditating on, will mean to start fresh each day by adding on or should i say, taking away the limits i placed on myself the day before. 

it's real folks....shit is real! temptations, challenges, habits that we far to frequently participate in unknowingly until shit has happened and we stand back feeling guilty for not recognizing such. 

but, i am learning that, that's the 'breaking through' or the accepting of what is true about who we are, exactly as we are, where we are. 

and we MUST accept that truth, even if it hurts and brings us to tears. 

change is a process and something to be committed to, even when that process includes stormy weather.

i preface that statement by reminding myself that all i've been writing in this blog, is consistent with the advice i'd give to someone else, a friend perhaps. so, why not be committed to the words I write everyday...lol, right?!

oh to live honestly! it's heart work and at times, hard work. 

xo, me. 

the flower in the mud

when in doubt, call on the Universe!

have you ever found yourself depressed or simply sad, unable to get out of that funk?

i know i have. whether or not we care to admit it to ourselves, depression is something that is real and we've all been there. it's okay -- this morning's reading focused on softening those places within ourselves that have hardened and give ourselves permission to release it and let it go. 

which means, i had to go back to those thoughts and those places within myself to say -- okay, this is what it feels like, now God, take it away....

this is precisely when faith comes in! we have to know that when we pray and ask for God's light to shine on our hard places -- they will be become soft and eventually fade away. trust that. 

this morning, when reading about this process, i began to think of myself as a flower -- stuck in the mud, unable to detach from the grips keeping me where i was. i began to be thankful for my mud -- and the holding, because without this trapping, i wouldn't have been led to recognizing it and drawing myself closer to Spirit in order to break free. 

this mud -- represents the trappings of my sadness, and i, the flower -- is what the world needs. the world needs to see my beauty and my light!! and it needs to see yours. this process is a daily, mental challenge. my intentions of being free from worry, doubt and fear have to be real in order to manifest. so, i am committed and staying committed. 

miracles DO happen. 
that's the magic

xo, me.  

Truth...as we are

good morning Universal beings!

it's going to be a beautiful day -- full of love, light, peace and joy. do you believe that?

the way you start your day, sets the pace for the unfolding. i've noticed that the more i indulge myself in what truly matters; loving and being loved. i come across the most beautiful spirits. connection is inevitable and unless you choose to live in a cave, you will always find yourself connected or connecting to someone whether planned or random. 

that experience alone is what i welcome. you just never know who you will meet and what you will learn from them. i read once that we should see ourselves in each other -- sometimes that's something i welcome, however, it can also be uncomfortable. 

truth is, well truth. and sometimes that truth hurts and we don't want to see it, and definitely not in ourselves. 

but, i have intended upon pushing through those barriers when felt. when i discover that i harbor tendencies that i don't like, it's up to me to change it.  it's always up to us to change the things we don't like -- while being patient with ourselves and accepting our truth. 

we are like fertile ground -- producing seeds that will eventually blossom into buds, then flowers and brighten the world. we are here to change the world. we are equipped with the power that surrounds us and that same power lives within us! isn't that refreshing!? there is no reason to hide behind our fears of our truth. the more we accept ourselves and change what can be altered -- we become more and more ready to change the world. 

Rev. Beckwith states that our function to change the world includes changing the agreements and conversations that lend themselves to consistent mediocrity. something we all participate in. i know i am guilty! so in other words, we change our minds, our speech, our movements and we pass it along to other hearts and spirits with the hope that they will too change themselves and pass it along. 

the world, our global energy is so beautiful and it includes all of us. one mind, many bodies! 

it is up to us. 

intention for today -- dare to accept who we are, where we are. and love ourselves, anyway. :))

magical!

xo,me. 

and so it begins...

with, me.

and in this breath, i am here. alive. healthy. happy. and living in LA.

the last time i wrote in a blog, was back when my music journalism days were my life. music was my life --the order was, music, friends, lovers, me.

ha.

and that "me" being at the end, was pretty accurate during that time in my life. 

and so it begins. 

where I realize or have come to realize, that my priorities in life were all mixed up and the order in which i choose to live my life now, starts with me.

 

(shantell martin)

me.

so, who am i? i have discovered that i am a self-proclaimed "bad girl" -- a play on words of course! i'm not really a bad girl -- i don't even know what that would look like, since bad is good and good can be bad. *shrug* 

i just know that everything i yearn for or want to do or am impressed by are things that could very well be the opposite of how i was raised in thinking a "good" girl should do, think, act, talk etc. 

fuck that.

everything at this point in my life has meaning and purpose and i love that. i love what isn't typical or perfect or neat. in fact, i am in love with what seems to be messy or thoughtless or even random. i've come to know that those moments do share a commonality -- and that's that they are real, tangible, felt, beneficial. 

too many times i run into people, whom i love, that are obsessed with controlling outcome, or planning or creating purpose by drafting lists and circling dates in their calendar. i don't doubt that it brings comfort -- it has to me too. but, i've learned that we can't control universal law and the best way to ease that pressure - is to simply live life and live it gratefully and abundantly. 

some may read this as fluff. but it's true. let go, and see what happens. 

it's magic.

xo, me.