surrendered vulnerability

there is a vulnerability here that i am looking for within myself.

do you see her? like really see her??

i love this picture, and i love, her.

since my days of studying art history in college- i have always felt a kinship to this woman unlike many other artists i admire, collect, etc.

i am still discovering more about her personal life and her influential paintings, yet, when i came across this image the other day....

i paused.

in that very moment, i had no words and for the first time -- that was okay. 

see, we are taught in art history class that there is meaning, context, concepts, composition, texture -- etc. etc. to be explored while viewing a piece of art. in 100 words, they say, is how a photograph can be described. but i couldn't find one.

i find peace in that.

all i know is that while i have officially wrapped up projects that took a lot of time, energy and focus. the vulnerability i see in this photography is how i am choosing to see myself and others -- with permission of course; the so called truth about me, you and all that we share. 

lately, i have been reminded of said truth in ways so unexpectedly. i have begun training myself to listen with all of me while asking for complete understanding of what the Divine wants me to know. 

I am in a caterpillar stage and reminders are coming to me left and right about remaining patient. 

so i am. shedding, hibernating, meditating, reading, praying and still.

and i am trusting that this transformation will reveal wings like i've never seen before and a new discovered love of myself, and for others, including the people that make it to the other side with me and those that won't. 

all in all, the Universe provides and takes away what we need. 

i release. i let go. i surrender.

xo, me. 

who are you? who am i? i am....

morning!
how are you? :)

yesterday i attended a conference presented by Emerging Arts Leaders/LA (EAL/LA) about "curating your career". it was eventful and inspiring -- i met a lot of individuals who were either artists or organizers within the sector that made conversations quite interesting throughout the day.

this is the first time i've ever attended something like this and LA seems to have a lot of professional conferences as this is the city for extreme career advancement! so, i plan to attend more.

however, the basis of this blog entry was inspired by the idea of who we are -- as individuals and as a collective mind set, all having unique experiences of our own.

there were three workshops that we attended and each dealt with some level of whipping our butts into shape when it comes to managing our artistic careers; productivity, personal branding, management, financial development, etc. YES! all of these things were necessary to listen to.

but.

i only had two take away thoughts and woke up this morning and thought i'd share with you....

1) art doesn't always have to be, well, within the arts.  let me explain. the keynote speaker, Dan Goods works for NASA. Pretty amazing! He is a graphic designer by trade, attended art school and created this amazing bottle project that he perfected and pitched it to different places as an artist. No one really understood the project -- he essentially heard more "no's" than "yes's" when it was time to look for a job.

so, one day he asked his wife to mail off a resume for him -- the post office had no letter size envelopes and she instead, selected a huge envelope and sent it to a NASA Office in Pasadena, JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory).  The man who received it, noticed this large envelope and the resume inside and pretty much said, we have to bring this guy in -- who would do this!

so, he went in for an interview -- spoke about his bottle project, graphic design skills and intentions and the interviewer said, though he didn't know anything about how to apply the bottle project to the position being offered -- he wanted to give this artist a chance and after 6 months, they would evaluate whether or not the position was for him. that was ten years ago. Goods spoke on the unexpectedness of applying our creative mind to areas of interest we may have never considered. our "moments" as we experience Life -- should be fulfilling, exciting and with the beauty of possibility that we can be impactful in so many various spaces, careers, locations, etc. he has found a career out of merging science and his love of graphic design and installation art. the projects were truly breathtaking and allowed any viewer to witness the fusion between the beauty of art and the intelligence of science.

my take away from this included expanding my mind as i think about projects and my career in general -- i'm not much for taking the reigns anymore and attempting to lead myself, but i believe in the certainty that listening to Goods about the idea of broadening my own thoughts about myself and where i could apply my creative mind is exciting to me! consider the alternative in your creative process -- who else could you speak to, play in front of and where? who could you teach? where could you apply for a job? go to school? all of those things -- the risk in believing that we are here to not just stay in one lane, but to hop around and gain experience is really the point, right? we are to become as whole as we can -- and wholeness requires movement. so let's move, build, create and thrive!

2) who we are, is not what we do -- the last workshop i attended was based on personal branding and recognizing how others see you. this was fascinating to think about, because very rarely do we concern ourselves with what it is like to encounter ourselves. with seeing ourselves across the room, talking to ourselves, confronting ourselves, pleasing ourselves, etc. we don't know. that mirror would be pretty interesting and probably scary at the same time, but mentally -- we had to go there for this workshop. so we wrote down individuals that we admired and the qualities about those people we admired. at the end, she said, now look at yourself -- see who you are, by what you see in others! YES! YES! though i had a feeling that was exactly the point of the exercise, it was really moving to witness how people stared at this sheet, trying to defend how they were NOT any of those things -- and that made me a bit sad.

see, the people in my workshop equated success as being able to possess those qualities, because everyone they admired or who they listed on the sheet was where they wanted to be, and exactly where they didn't see themselves. "i am not a writer because i have not published" "I am not really a musician, because i have not played in front of crowds of people or sold any albums" -- all of these, i'm not because statements were all based on what they were not doing, that others were.

so, i said, why is it that we define ourselves by what we do? why is it that we will devalue our own process and the work we put in everyday, to claim a title or a moniker? if i write in a journal everyday, or a blog and i aspire to be a writer -- hence i am writing, and enjoy it, aren't i a writer? the problem that i witnessed yesterday, is that in order for us to call ourselves something we MUST excel in in it or be paid for it. i have an issue with that. i believe it trumps any process we could remotely have with the experience of simply enjoying something and recognizing that we do it well and the possibility of its growth into perhaps, a career path.

just because you like to sing, doesn't mean you have to be a singer -- or because i like to cook and bake, doesn't mean i should go to cooking school. no, i enjoy those things and will continue to enjoy those things....

the pressure i noticed with my peers is that we all enjoy and are skilled at many different things -- but society and our industry makes us select one -- and to stick with it. the teacher and I both agreed that you don't have to. we aren't blessed with such unique talents and skills that make us all individually great to just dismiss some and only apply others. no, we should be embracing them all --we are creative and innovative and wise and original and just simple unique. why not embrace it all!!?  play music, cook, draw, sing, run, make pottery, write, teach, paint, design, sew, make films -- and enjoy the process of doing them all!

that is Life, that is what is possible -- not staying in one lane and stressing about becoming this one thing when we are so much more!!!

go live, go thrive and experience :)

xo, me.

our gardens...

it's in the 80s today! perfect day to grow some thangs!!!

so, after taking the pups on a morning walk, i decided to start an herb garden. the thought wasn't as fleeting as i'm making it seem, i've done some research on which herbs i'd like to start with and the proper care for each. :) this morning was all about buying the starter plants, soil and pots. 

i decided to start with rosemary, lavender and sweet basil. while at the store, i started to get really excited about this project because there are so many plants i want to include in my herb garden, but i'm excited about these three as i know the process of watching them grow and smelling them, will be amazing! 

this is a love project, and all mine. and i needed that. 

i like to think of myself as a plant, rather a flower that needs proper nourishment to grow and shine. though i don't limit my happiness based on circumstance, i have found pleasure in myself and i know that happiness is a choice. so, today, i am choosing to spread a lil love towards something that i can watch blossom and eventually use in my cooking, sharing with others and more!. 

i think i'm most excited about this journey and how i can share it....

i needed something that i could fully invest myself into. many times, we do just that with our lovers, families and friends. but, i like the idea of giving my love to a plant -- whom like me, needs sunlight, water and nourishment to grow. perhaps this will be an attempt to give myself that same tender love and care, too ;))

and i say that because i haven't been too good to myself in thought and action. i'd like to change that. so, like everything, it will be a process, but this herb garden will be my starting point! 

i picked up an old journal yesterday and found some words i had written, to be really inspiring. perhaps they will be the same for you :))

happy saturday!

"...today will be the most perfect day for my light to shine. my peace is so fulfilling, my love so abundant and i observe transformation. i exist today, perfectly. i am alive!." 

xo, me. 

have faith?

what do they say? "faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen?"

loosen up those mental chains, let go of the need to control and just be...

there are so many wonderful things happening in the lives of my family and friends -- we are so blessed. i encourage you to be still, listen and observe. the answers are already here! the opportunities are waiting for you!! get out of your OWN way!!

life can be that simple. 

xo, me. 

who are we?!

checking our ego is a necessity -- everyday, all day! taken from yogajournal.com 

Meditating on the question "Who Am I?" for as little as 5 minutes can help you look beyond your ego's definition of you and discover what lies beneath.

1. Settle into your body.
Come into a comfortable seated posture, with your eyes closed, and your hands folded in your lap. Lengthen your back, and let your chin move back so you feel as if your head is being suspended by a cord from the ceiling. Scan your body, noticing and softening any tightness in the shoulders, face, thighs, belly, arms, and hands. Take 5 deep inhalations and exhalations.

2. Focus on your breath.
Become aware of the rise and fall of the breath. Let your breathing be natural and relaxed as it brings you into the present moment. Feel the coolness of the breath as it flows in the nostrils and the warmth as it flows out. Notice where you feel the breath in your body. Do you feel it in the chest and shoulders? In the diaphragm or belly?

3. Quiet the mind.
Sensing the flow of the breath, inhale with the thought "I am." Feel the energy of the words mingling with your breath, flowing into your inner body. Then, with the exhalation, feel the space that these words leave in your consciousness. Continue to repeat the pure mantra "I am" without attaching any other thoughts to it. Stay here for several minutes if you can, allowing yourself to become more and more relaxed.

4. Practice inquiry.
As your mind quiets, begin to drop in the question, "Who am I, without words? Without thoughts? Without memories or emotions?" Pay attention to the awareness that opens up. If words or emotions arise, allow them to be there. Identify them—"thoughts," "sadness," or "confusion"—and return to the question. You're not looking for an answer. Look past the answers that arise to experience the bare awareness that is your sense of being, of pure existence.

5. Rest in awareness.
This sense of pure existence is there, and as you practice this meditation, it will eventually reveal itself. Continue your inquiry, and see if you can gently rest for a second or two in the wordless awareness that immediately follows the question. The opening into awareness may last only for a few seconds. If you get hung up on your thoughts, start over: Return to the breath, and the mantra "I am." Then, ask the question again, and notice what arises. Stay with the practice for as few as 5 or as many as 30 minutes. Then open your eyes, and return to your day.

dependency of self

Universal beings! This is LA as the sun begins to set. how perfect, right?

Such beauty has to be captured when seen, and preserved for later viewing. This morning I had a conversation with a friend about "self" and whether or not, love, confidence, courage existed so she wouldn't lean on men she dated as a need for validation. 

it's a developmental process and like I shared the other day, i am in that same boat. 

i find that more and more women are stuck, stuck between the idea of independence and dependency. We think we are independent because we can pay our own bills, or own our homes and cars -- but emotionally, we are dependent. And, i find that to be worse....

as emotionally beings, it is our only function to love and be loved. we must open ourselves up in order to feel the greatness and beauty of life. AND, we also must leave ourselves open to do the same for others. We MUST let our light shine, so that others give themselves permission to do the same. 

when we find ourselves in relationships, we often lean on our lover for support, validation and acceptance. if i don't touch any part of you with this blog, at least be touched by the idea to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and where you are. 

this idea has been a bit difficult to be consistent with and i'd like to do better. but, it's a day by day process. i have faith that i will become stronger and accept myself more and more each day. it helps to be sure to nourish myself each day with reading material, yoga, spinning, or enjoying a movie/tv show that makes me smile. sometimes, it takes little things to get us feeling better about who we are and where we are in life.

i must know and continue to tell myself that i am whole, i am enough and i am okay. i am right where i need to be; otherwise, my heart will lead me exactly to where i need to be. we are of the Universe and the Universe is of us...

such magnificent love we share!!!!

xo, me. 

alignment.

good evening Universal beings!

i hope your day has been beautiful. mine started with a power cycling class and needless to say, i feel excellent. i am so happy to be exercising again! stepping back from my computer and leaving my phone is a MUST at least three times a week lol

i woke up this morning with a really clear mind. last night i had the opportunity to speak with some creative minds who are all doing exceptional things in their lives. i have been blessed with amazing opportunities to speak with people who are DOING things and not just talking about them. so, it's been pretty inspiring to get a taste of their energy and really feel motivated to continue on my own projects. 

with my new found interest in filmmaking, i met a teacher + filmmaker that has agreed to speak to me about the field and i'm hoping i'll be able to shadow him in the near future. the Universe is really aligning me and i'm excited about it.

this is what i mean when i say get ready for the leadership from Spirit. your heart will let you know when you're heading in the right path and i believe that we all have the choice to open our eyes and minds to what's being given to us. it was by no mistake that i met these amazing souls last night -- it was purposeful and i'm ready for it. 

this process is going to stretch me and just like any advice i would give to a friend, i'm going to now give it to myself. and i'm going for it.

so, i'm off to do some writing!

this is the magic ;)

xo, me. 

the trying...faith and the knowing

good morning Universal beings!

another day of being grateful -- for listening -- for seeing -- for living.

it's amazing how logically, we know all of these things. we open ourselves up to it on a daily basis with our prayers and meditation practices. but are we truly living these words? are we truly living without doubt, worry and fear?

are we trusting God -- with a knowing that all our needs will be met?

it's really important to practice the work that we may read about and chant to. we have to live our truth and accept all that we end up seeing, hearing and reading that may be a direct reflection of ourselves. that is the work. acceptance. 

we can't have fear when pulled in a certain direction. we must go and trust that it is for us, perfectly.

when i reflect on my life and how much i thought i needed -- and prided myself -- on controlling the outcome for everything, i become sad when i realize how i stood in the way of the Universe providing me with all that i needed that i took ownership of providing myself. 

i didn't have faith and even though i was speaking such, i wasn't living that truth. 

now, i am willing to accept all the goodness in my life, because i know that the Universe will always provide! 

i believe that and i am open to what the Universe provides. So far, I've had a pretty amazing 2014. It's been incredible and I KNOW that more is to come! 

i am choosing to have faith
i am choosing to be open to all the good that is to come in my life

magic. 
xo, me. 

Truth...as we are

good morning Universal beings!

it's going to be a beautiful day -- full of love, light, peace and joy. do you believe that?

the way you start your day, sets the pace for the unfolding. i've noticed that the more i indulge myself in what truly matters; loving and being loved. i come across the most beautiful spirits. connection is inevitable and unless you choose to live in a cave, you will always find yourself connected or connecting to someone whether planned or random. 

that experience alone is what i welcome. you just never know who you will meet and what you will learn from them. i read once that we should see ourselves in each other -- sometimes that's something i welcome, however, it can also be uncomfortable. 

truth is, well truth. and sometimes that truth hurts and we don't want to see it, and definitely not in ourselves. 

but, i have intended upon pushing through those barriers when felt. when i discover that i harbor tendencies that i don't like, it's up to me to change it.  it's always up to us to change the things we don't like -- while being patient with ourselves and accepting our truth. 

we are like fertile ground -- producing seeds that will eventually blossom into buds, then flowers and brighten the world. we are here to change the world. we are equipped with the power that surrounds us and that same power lives within us! isn't that refreshing!? there is no reason to hide behind our fears of our truth. the more we accept ourselves and change what can be altered -- we become more and more ready to change the world. 

Rev. Beckwith states that our function to change the world includes changing the agreements and conversations that lend themselves to consistent mediocrity. something we all participate in. i know i am guilty! so in other words, we change our minds, our speech, our movements and we pass it along to other hearts and spirits with the hope that they will too change themselves and pass it along. 

the world, our global energy is so beautiful and it includes all of us. one mind, many bodies! 

it is up to us. 

intention for today -- dare to accept who we are, where we are. and love ourselves, anyway. :))

magical!

xo,me. 

abundance!

good morning Universal beings!

how are you feeling? :)

hopefully refreshed and optimistic! i decided to take a 7am power cycling/yoga class and i don't know why i waited so long to do this. it was fantastic and exactly what i needed to jump start my mid-week productivity. 

but what i thought was very fitting -- was that the intention for the month was abundance. it was absolutely what i needed to see and hear. i should have taken a picture of the sign that was front and center before all the cyclists. with each breath, we took in thoughts of where we wanted abundance and exhaled all that we needed to give up in order to receive our blessings. 

sacrifice, as i have learned, is the giving up of what no longer works. 

this is what i chose to focus on while pedaling my way up and down hills -- though physically, i was present, and giving it my all. mentally, i couldn't help but to think and consider all the ways in which i may be standing in my own way. so my intention for the day, is to the step aside. and really allow the Universe to usher in all the abundance that i've been promised. 

the greatness lives within me, my core being, so i have no reason to fear what comes my way, because i'm ready and already equipped.  

many of you may know that i just ended a contract with the Sundance Film Festival -- in which i was their social media coordinator. 2 weeks in beautiful park city, utah, i had an enormous amount of time to reflect, restore and reprogram my thinking and behaviors. 

so i'm ready.  the class this morning was a beautiful reminder of all that i had started to put into progress for myself. abundance is what i want and in order for me to receive, i MUST be open and ready. 

abundance of self
abundance of love
abundance of creativity
abundance of happiness
abundance of peace
abundance of self discovery
abundance of health
abundance of beauty
abundance of opportunity 

to name a few....

how will you open yourself up to more abundance in your life?

dare to be open and you shall receive.

xo, me. 

and so it begins...

with, me.

and in this breath, i am here. alive. healthy. happy. and living in LA.

the last time i wrote in a blog, was back when my music journalism days were my life. music was my life --the order was, music, friends, lovers, me.

ha.

and that "me" being at the end, was pretty accurate during that time in my life. 

and so it begins. 

where I realize or have come to realize, that my priorities in life were all mixed up and the order in which i choose to live my life now, starts with me.

 

(shantell martin)

me.

so, who am i? i have discovered that i am a self-proclaimed "bad girl" -- a play on words of course! i'm not really a bad girl -- i don't even know what that would look like, since bad is good and good can be bad. *shrug* 

i just know that everything i yearn for or want to do or am impressed by are things that could very well be the opposite of how i was raised in thinking a "good" girl should do, think, act, talk etc. 

fuck that.

everything at this point in my life has meaning and purpose and i love that. i love what isn't typical or perfect or neat. in fact, i am in love with what seems to be messy or thoughtless or even random. i've come to know that those moments do share a commonality -- and that's that they are real, tangible, felt, beneficial. 

too many times i run into people, whom i love, that are obsessed with controlling outcome, or planning or creating purpose by drafting lists and circling dates in their calendar. i don't doubt that it brings comfort -- it has to me too. but, i've learned that we can't control universal law and the best way to ease that pressure - is to simply live life and live it gratefully and abundantly. 

some may read this as fluff. but it's true. let go, and see what happens. 

it's magic.

xo, me.