surrendered vulnerability

there is a vulnerability here that i am looking for within myself.

do you see her? like really see her??

i love this picture, and i love, her.

since my days of studying art history in college- i have always felt a kinship to this woman unlike many other artists i admire, collect, etc.

i am still discovering more about her personal life and her influential paintings, yet, when i came across this image the other day....

i paused.

in that very moment, i had no words and for the first time -- that was okay. 

see, we are taught in art history class that there is meaning, context, concepts, composition, texture -- etc. etc. to be explored while viewing a piece of art. in 100 words, they say, is how a photograph can be described. but i couldn't find one.

i find peace in that.

all i know is that while i have officially wrapped up projects that took a lot of time, energy and focus. the vulnerability i see in this photography is how i am choosing to see myself and others -- with permission of course; the so called truth about me, you and all that we share. 

lately, i have been reminded of said truth in ways so unexpectedly. i have begun training myself to listen with all of me while asking for complete understanding of what the Divine wants me to know. 

I am in a caterpillar stage and reminders are coming to me left and right about remaining patient. 

so i am. shedding, hibernating, meditating, reading, praying and still.

and i am trusting that this transformation will reveal wings like i've never seen before and a new discovered love of myself, and for others, including the people that make it to the other side with me and those that won't. 

all in all, the Universe provides and takes away what we need. 

i release. i let go. i surrender.

xo, me. 

our arguments of limitations

morning!
i hope this monday meets you in peace and love :))

how often do you hear yourself arguing or complaining about what isn't working out in your life?

i would hear myself complaining at least a few times a day. something or someone was standing in my way and it just wasn't fair. 

yesterday, i decided to live stream an Agape service and it was exactly what I needed to hear! 

Rev. Beckwith talked about the idea of arguing our limitations -- or making cases as to why we aren't living or acting within our truth. why we aren't pushing beyond the limits we've placed on ourselves and WHY, oh why, we aren't becoming exactly who we are meant to become. 

i decided to meditate on this idea. and lately, it has become so intense, that my dreams have suggested the merging of my subconscious with my conscious. in other words, challenging myself to stop telling myself "no", "i can't", "no money", "no time", etc. etc. and really rely on the knowing that everything i have coming my way, is Universal. It's purposeful. It's one of my many functions of bringing global change, altering the agreements and changing the conversations. 

i woke up today, feeling ready. this readiness has already started to open doors, has brought new people into my life and develop ideas that have me a bit intimated, but i like that. feels different. feels real. 

so this idea of arguing my limitations makes incredible sense now. i HAVE heard myself defend my actions, words, and thoughts that have fueled my powerlessness, doubt, fear and inadequacy. i want something different for myself and i'm sharing this because i know there are others out there that have been arguing their limitations as well :)) let's intend to stop and push beyond the limits we've placed on ourselves. there is really nothing against us -- no one, and no thing. 

xo, me. 

i am + i have

ciao Universal beings!

how are you? good, i hope. 
it's tuesday, but definitely feels like a weekend day for me o_0 not sure why lol but i welcome the more relaxed feeling. 

anyway, i watched a video from Agape's Sunday service yesterday and it really spoke to me. 
Rev. Beckwith spoke of using language that affirms what it is that we know about God and the power it holds in addition to the power inside of us. 

I am and I have.

When i thought about starting sentences with I am and I have, it was so obvious to me. Yes! of course I am going to change the world and I have everything I need...already, to do it. 

I believe that. 

I welcome this challenge today, because:

Divine insight frees me from fear and doubt and worry.

Self-love and acceptance is the starting point in all my relationships.

Gratefully and gracefully I live these words of truth.

these are affirmations for this week and i find them very fitting to opening ourselves up for more and more abundance and greatness that we are ready for!!

i am excited about the greatness coming my way -- you should be too :))

xo, me. 

the trying...faith and the knowing

good morning Universal beings!

another day of being grateful -- for listening -- for seeing -- for living.

it's amazing how logically, we know all of these things. we open ourselves up to it on a daily basis with our prayers and meditation practices. but are we truly living these words? are we truly living without doubt, worry and fear?

are we trusting God -- with a knowing that all our needs will be met?

it's really important to practice the work that we may read about and chant to. we have to live our truth and accept all that we end up seeing, hearing and reading that may be a direct reflection of ourselves. that is the work. acceptance. 

we can't have fear when pulled in a certain direction. we must go and trust that it is for us, perfectly.

when i reflect on my life and how much i thought i needed -- and prided myself -- on controlling the outcome for everything, i become sad when i realize how i stood in the way of the Universe providing me with all that i needed that i took ownership of providing myself. 

i didn't have faith and even though i was speaking such, i wasn't living that truth. 

now, i am willing to accept all the goodness in my life, because i know that the Universe will always provide! 

i believe that and i am open to what the Universe provides. So far, I've had a pretty amazing 2014. It's been incredible and I KNOW that more is to come! 

i am choosing to have faith
i am choosing to be open to all the good that is to come in my life

magic. 
xo, me. 

and so it begins...

with, me.

and in this breath, i am here. alive. healthy. happy. and living in LA.

the last time i wrote in a blog, was back when my music journalism days were my life. music was my life --the order was, music, friends, lovers, me.

ha.

and that "me" being at the end, was pretty accurate during that time in my life. 

and so it begins. 

where I realize or have come to realize, that my priorities in life were all mixed up and the order in which i choose to live my life now, starts with me.

 

(shantell martin)

me.

so, who am i? i have discovered that i am a self-proclaimed "bad girl" -- a play on words of course! i'm not really a bad girl -- i don't even know what that would look like, since bad is good and good can be bad. *shrug* 

i just know that everything i yearn for or want to do or am impressed by are things that could very well be the opposite of how i was raised in thinking a "good" girl should do, think, act, talk etc. 

fuck that.

everything at this point in my life has meaning and purpose and i love that. i love what isn't typical or perfect or neat. in fact, i am in love with what seems to be messy or thoughtless or even random. i've come to know that those moments do share a commonality -- and that's that they are real, tangible, felt, beneficial. 

too many times i run into people, whom i love, that are obsessed with controlling outcome, or planning or creating purpose by drafting lists and circling dates in their calendar. i don't doubt that it brings comfort -- it has to me too. but, i've learned that we can't control universal law and the best way to ease that pressure - is to simply live life and live it gratefully and abundantly. 

some may read this as fluff. but it's true. let go, and see what happens. 

it's magic.

xo, me.