collecting bones

"what would my life look like if I wasn't attached to my "story" of pain?"

i get stuck, often. 

mostly mentally. 

i get lost in thoughts of what ifs and why didn't i, or even i wish i had. 

i've become so enamored by the lingering feelings of certain pains and misfortunes

resting with ease in what seems to have become too familiar

i no longer want that.

my reality in waves -- ups and downs, over easy, leaving me stuck on stories of what was instead of thoughts and manifestations of what could be. 

what would my life look like if i let go --- was unattached?

free. light. forgiven....

i want that peace. i want that courage. i want that reality. 

xo, me. 

a message.

...whether you are in my life on this day only or years to come -- i thank you for your words. :)

"Ashe! Also, as with all things- may it be your heart, a job, buildings, the earth- there's always going to be change. pain & growth. What's most important is the learned lesson (experience). Enjoy and appreciate the fact that you're existing as you are and people are doing the same. Take it for what it is (but with appreciation and high regards of course). Appreciate your process and everyone else's that's blessed with the opportunity to be apart of your life (for a day or years)."

like a wildflower.

"I don't know what direction I'm going in, but I know how I want to feel..." -gg renee

like this...a wildflower.
free and certain that as i effortlessly grow - i'll always be nourished and watered

lately, i have been feeling just. like. this. :))
it's such a beautiful feeling and i am manifesting more and more of how i want to feel, every.single.day.

before i started this deep dive, i would focus on who i wasn't, what i didn't have, and what wasn't happening in my life.

what you focus on will grow, right?

so as resentment started to grow, mental paralysis of my creativity started to become a constant and my energy level suffered let alone my confidence in completing simple tasks....

yea, i became a version of myself i did not know, recognized or loved.

then, one morning -- i woke up thinking about wildflowers and how beautiful they are in all their colors, lengths, shapes, sizes, scents, etc. the word effortless came to mind and i began to really value the ease in personal growth by allowing the Universe to take care of what i didn't have to --

trust/certainty.

deep diving into my own insecurities and inner struggles with what i know i deserve. logically, it's a no brainer. why wouldn't i deserve the abundance of life, love, peace and happiness. but of course, doubt, worry and fear sneaks in where there are empty spaces, so i am committed to filling those gaps with more love and more trust that all my needs will be met as i continue to deep dive into nourishing my spiritual, mental, physical and emotional self.

and grow, like a wildflower. ;)

xo, me.

"let us continue our walk along the sea...." -- mark nepo

my latest summer read came in the mail yesterday -- and i'm already on chapter three.
Seven Thousand Ways To Listen, by Mark Nepo is the book and i've been heavily engaged.

he speaks on the practice of willingly opening ourselves up to listen.
and listening isn't only with our ears, but all senses. it's asking ourselves questions such as "do I honor what those around me need, in order to hear?" or "do i help them find their center point of listening?"

this level of listening requires patience and practice, but i know it's achievable.

when i purposely create moments of silence for myself, i hear more of the answers to my many questions, struggles, needs and wants and how to utilize my yearning for discovery to be a moment of healing, for others.

how can we make more of an initiative to listen? to honor the truth of ourselves, to others and God?

my weekly intention.

because when truth is revealed, it is up to me to keep that truth visible. to not allow that truth to go invisible again, and to honor the truth i see in you as well.  it's a beautiful exchange.

..."so at the deepest level, the most essential level, listening entails a constant effect to feel that moment where everything touches everything else."

xo, me.

surrendered vulnerability

there is a vulnerability here that i am looking for within myself.

do you see her? like really see her??

i love this picture, and i love, her.

since my days of studying art history in college- i have always felt a kinship to this woman unlike many other artists i admire, collect, etc.

i am still discovering more about her personal life and her influential paintings, yet, when i came across this image the other day....

i paused.

in that very moment, i had no words and for the first time -- that was okay. 

see, we are taught in art history class that there is meaning, context, concepts, composition, texture -- etc. etc. to be explored while viewing a piece of art. in 100 words, they say, is how a photograph can be described. but i couldn't find one.

i find peace in that.

all i know is that while i have officially wrapped up projects that took a lot of time, energy and focus. the vulnerability i see in this photography is how i am choosing to see myself and others -- with permission of course; the so called truth about me, you and all that we share. 

lately, i have been reminded of said truth in ways so unexpectedly. i have begun training myself to listen with all of me while asking for complete understanding of what the Divine wants me to know. 

I am in a caterpillar stage and reminders are coming to me left and right about remaining patient. 

so i am. shedding, hibernating, meditating, reading, praying and still.

and i am trusting that this transformation will reveal wings like i've never seen before and a new discovered love of myself, and for others, including the people that make it to the other side with me and those that won't. 

all in all, the Universe provides and takes away what we need. 

i release. i let go. i surrender.

xo, me. 

deepdive

hello world,

how are you?
my absence has good reason :) I was in nyc co-producing this....

and returned to LA a week later to still be managing all of the PR/Marketing for this...

and with both of those projects now out of the way -- i can do this...

it's time for me. to dive deep -- write, reflect, release and with the fall coming and lots of creative considerations and projects brewing, i'm going to honor the boundary of pausing and allowing myself to regroup and refresh. I look forward to getting back to regularly sharing and writing and just letting thoughts flow. the Universe gives and takes away exactly what's needed and i welcome this moment of transformation.

xo, me.

bird by bird

lately, i have been doing a lot of listening.
it's been good, because i believe that alone is one of my greatest qualities.

friends comment on it and i suppose learning about actively listening while in middle school came in handy, because people love a good listener.

but my heart has been heavy and after most of the conversations i've been having, i feel this incredible weight and sorrow for the dreams of my friends that i'm afraid won't be allowed to manifest.

why? well, because of time -- they say. time is what they have very little of and time is what they need more of in order to fulfill their goals, dreams and to become successful (by their standards).

the urgency and the impatience for "things to work out" is extremely high... there is a silent need for the Universe to deliver what they feel they are owed, based on how long and how hard they've been working -and - to know the outcome of their projects, the risks they are considering, the partner they are with, where they will be living for the rest of their lives, their career, it's a lot!

at 29, i have been a part of more conversations like this than i ever imagined. mostly because until recently, i didn't know that i was supposed to be thinking about my social security, family, marriage, house, assets, etc. while on the verge of turning 30 -- and yet, i'm mostly consumed with thoughts of visiting Portland and perhaps getting a new tattoo. *shrugs*

why do so many people feel as though there is no time?

why do we limit ourselves and believe that there is no time to still be spontaneous, to take risks, travel to far away places, think about kids later, buy that house when you're absolutely ready or more!?

time, time, time!
i'm starting to hate the word, let alone the idea that possibility is limited.

i just don't believe it.

the more my friends and i think about what time we don't have, the more we continue to do nothing, move nowhere and dream so very little.

last night i had tea with a young woman who moved to LA from Chicago 8 months ago. she's a comedic writer. a dreamer and her light shined so brightly whenever we talked about writing and what she wanted out of life. she believed in every word. i did too.

then it happened.

within seconds after at least 15 mins of talking about dreams and the possibilities of her obtaining wealth, abundance, and movement came the "i can'ts...unless" and all the possible if/then statements that felt like we slammed on the breaks just before hitting a wall.

riddled with excuses, her language went from "i speak everything into existence" to "i can't write because of...." and i had to say something.....and then, write.

i titled this blog post Bird by Bird, because at the moment, i am reading Bird by Bird, but Anne Lamott and the entire book is about her musings as a writer and life. Bird by bird is a phrase I will forever remember because it simply means step by step. When we move beyond the limits or challenges that we surrender to, we can clearly see the steps we must take or consider when pursuing our goals as artists or in my new friend's case,as a writer.

so, i said to her. what keeps you from writing or starting the blog you speak of?

she said her roommate, and that she needs peace and quiet, her job, because it's just not what she thought it would be, she said money, because she wants to be making more and time, because she gave herself until the end of the year for "success" to happen.

*sigh*

she placed a lot of pressure on herself and her creativity. as i continued to listen, i heard how unless the atmosphere was perfect, she wouldn't put pen to paper and her motivation was shot.

i got it. i too felt that way. but what i'm learning more and more by reading books like Bird by Bird and talking to others about their creative process, is that the more i wait for that perfect moment to release my creativity -- i won't do anything, because in essence, that moment won't ever come. and we find ourselves waiting --- waiting --- and waiting.

without having to go into the full 2 hour discussion -- i decided that i'd think on ways to encourage her gently, hoping she saw value in trying something new to get her closer to her goals.

we all want "success" and though our definitions may be different, the basics are the same for everyone. Money to be comfortable, happiness, opportunity and TIME to continue our creativity.

i told her that i knew all she spoke of would manifest somehow and in ways she wouldn't expect - BUT - she would have to put pen to paper no matter what. It's funny, because we want the Universe to show up, but do we??

do we push through the limits of not having the perfect setting, enough money, or access to what we think we need in order to get started. Like Lamott writes in her book over and over -- we just have to get started. the journey and process will unfold naturally when we show up and commit.

so, get started. the world needs you. we're waiting....

xo, me.